Special Features: The Saga of Eagle Tattoo Guy...

Since I don't have any dates lined up for this week, I decided it would be a good time to share this story with those of you who have yet to hear it.  This particular story took place about a year ago and has been the date I compare all other dates to in terms of levels of atrocity.  I knew about halfway in that there was no salvaging it, but also knew it would provide me with the best story in my repetoire for a very long time.  Before starting, it should be noted that none of the following story is exaggerated in any way.  Everything is verbatim, everything is truth (no matter how hard it is to believe).  Let's begin...

I had met this guy the weekend before in a bar...that's all the details that need to be disclosed.  So, we had set up a date for a Thursday evening.  After I had not heard from him regarding details by noon that day, I had given up and started mentally making alternate plans for the evening.  Around 2, I get a text asking if I had seen a specific movie.  I had not and had actually been dying to see it, so although even I know that a movie is a bad first date, I obliged and we started working out the details.  I was going to meet him at his place and we were going to drive out to see the movie.  Now, rather than go to a local theater within the city limits, he wanted to go to one out in the county.  Awesome.  So, after work, I go home, get ready and drive over to his place.  When I walk up his street, I see that there are actually two buildings with his number in it.  He is no where to be seen.  So, I dig my phone out of my purse and we have the following exchange (perhaps the most infamous part of the story among my friends):

ETG:  Hello?
Me:  Hi, its me.  I'm outside.
ETG:  Oh, you were 2 minutes late.  I thought you weren't going to show.
Me:  Um...whatever, I was parking the car...
ETG:  Just kidding.  Let me put on a shirt and I'll be right down.

Um...what??  So, if I had been 5 minutes late, would he have been naked??  I mean, maybe I was "2 minutes late" but at least I was fully dressed!  Anyway, he comes down and we walk to his car.  The drivers side is on the sidewalk side, so I walk around.  I figure I would have given him enough time to get in and unlock my door, but apparently not.  So, essentially I'm standing in the street...waiting for him to unlock the door.  I'm not saying he has to open the door for me, but come on!  Don't leave me out in traffic!  So, I get in and quickly learn that this car is actually a convertible.  Not because he asks "hey, do you mind if I put the top down?", but because he looks over with this "check this out" look, pushes a button and there goes the roof.  Nevermind that I actually wanted to wear my hair down or the fact that I find convertibles a bit pretentious, but did I mention that we were in a Chevy Cavalier?  Who turns a Cavalier into a convertible??

So, we start driving and he tells me he has to make a quick stop first.  Figuring its for something like gas or money (you know, something that would make sense), I say alright and we start driving through the city.  We pull up in front of a Barnes and Noble, he parks and just gets out of the car.  Thinking it would probably be more awkward to stay in the car than it would be to follow him in, I get out of the car, too and we walk towards the store.  And then this happens:

Me:  Okay, but I can't walk out of here with anything.
ETG:  What?
Me:  Well, I have a hard time coming in here and walking out without buying anything, so I'm saying I can't buy anything.
ETG:  Oh, you're one of those.  What did I get myself into?
Me:  {"one of those" whats?  Literate girls??} Come on, its a whole store that smells like coffee and books!  Its like heaven!
ETG:  Yeah, I'm not a fan of either of those things.
Me: {Yeah, I have no response to that...}
ETG:  Well, actually, I was in here the other day and saw a book I'd probably read.  Picks up the autobiography of Slash from Guns and Roses.
Me:  Um.  Yeah, well, I love memoirs, so I guess...

He heads over to the help desk and I start checking out the nearby biography section, seeking solace in my favorite genre.  It is at this point I overhear him saying to the woman behind the desk "Um, I think the name begins with..."  Yes, boys and girls, this guy had to make a stop--on a date--to pick up a book he doesn't even have the information for!!  I listen as he tells this woman that he was at orientation this morning and the professor had advised getting this book, then call his room mate--who is in the same law program--to see if he remembers what the book was, and finally I place my focus back on the books until ETG returns next to me, empty-handed.  Nice.

So, we get back in the car, we start a bit of conversation and then he turns up the baseball game on the radio.  Now, let me remind you that in addition to this game, the top is still down causing a nice wind factor, so I decide that perhaps we are not talking on the way to the movie since I sure as hell am not going to compete with the elements he has introduced into this situation.  So, we get out to the movie theater, he almost gets into an accident because he's an IDIOT and is not paying attention to any other cars, he puts the top up and we start walking towards the theater.  He then proceeds to tell me a sob story in which he used to be able to pay for one movie and go to see a few more, but they've recently re-designed the theater in order to keep that from happening.  I really have no idea how to respond to that.  However, it is at this point that I realize that there is no hope for this date and that I am truly on the precipice of a great story.

When we walk in, he buys the tickets and then puts them in his wallet.  So I say "oh, are you holding onto mine so I don't lose it?" and he looks at me like I have 10 heads.  I brush it off and say I was just kidding and we walk to a nearby restaurant to get something to eat.  We sit down at the bar and I think I see Guinness on tap and relay my excitement to ETG.  When the bartender approaches us, the following exchange happens:

ETG:  So, what do you have on tap?
Bartender:  Sam Adams, Blue Moon, Guinness...
Me:  some sign of excitement...probably squealing.
ETG: (to bartender) Sorry, she doesn't get out much.

Seriously??  So, I look at my date, look at the bartender and say "Whatever, I'm Irish, I'll have a pint of Guinness, please."  Then, it takes him about 20 minutes to decide he wants a Blue Moon.  Really??  You take that long to decide you want a Blue Moon?!?!  His impeccable manners take another turn when he orders his dinner and says "I'm going to get this salad.  It says it comes with [tortillas or peppers or something].  Yeah, I can do without that."  Really?!?!?  Are you a caveman?!?!

It really only gets worse.  I try desperately to keep conversation going, but its proving dismal.  The bar we're sitting at has one of those electronic games on the corner and he wants to play (yeah, no--not happening), he sees something on another screen in the bar that reminds him of an episode of South Park (which he proceeds to tell me the entire synopsis of, even though I figured out the punchline within the first sentence--its South Park, not rocket science), and then I move onto pop culture.  I try music, but I'm Lilith Fair and Simon and Garfunkel and he's Megadeth and Guns and Roses.  I grew up on TV, so I watch everything from Law and Order to Top Model to The Office (both versions) and he watches ESPN and South Park, apparently.  Then he says that he is "really into movies".  Okay, maybe there's something we can work with...

Me:  Great, movies!  So, what do you think of Hitchcock?
ETG:  Oh, that's old stuff!!
Me:  {Knife. In. My. Heart.  I really have no response for that statement...}
ETG:  Well, I mean, I'm not opposed to those movies, I just typically go to see the blockbusters.  I figure there's a reason they're blockbusters.
Me: {You mean the fact that Americans will pay ridiculous amounts of money to see movies with no substance, plot, or character development.  Yeah...}Um, yeah, I like those on occasion.  Definitely...

Finally, its time for the movie.  Finally.  So, he walks into the theater and just sits down.  Now, I will sit anywhere in a theater, but it would be nice if my opinion was at least acknowledged.  So, I sit down, cross my legs, cross my arms and stay that way because there was no way in hell this guy is even going to try to touch me.  The movie was fantastic--best part of the date.  We get up after the movie and apparently he had to go to the bathroom before we left because he just walked across the hallway into the Men's room.  And I almost followed him in there...nice.  So, I wait in the hallway for him to come back out and we leave.  He actually left the top up in the car on the way home, so we did discuss the movie a bit, we try to discuss movies in general as well (he didn't know any of my Desert Island movies--except for Mary Poppins--which was expected), and finally we're back.  I so desperately want to just sprint to my car and go home, but I let him walk me to my car.  We get about 10 steps and he turns to me and says "So, do you want to come up, or..."  Oh. My. God, are you kidding me?!?!?!!  (When I'm telling the story in person, I have a hard time even getting that sentence out, I'm laughing so hard).  I tell him I have work the next day so I really should get home.  We get to my car, I give him a hug (only because I don't want him trying anything else), thank him for the movie, and get in my car.  As I'm pulling away from the hug he tells me I smell good.  Well, damn straight I smell good!!  I don't leave the house to go grocery shopping without smelling good!!!  And that was the end of that.

So, the morale of the story, kids:  Don't have a drunken make-out session with a guy and then go out with him a few days later (to this day, I still will not drink Jameson).   The eagle tattoo really should have been my first clue...